The Paradox of Forgetting: A Quiet Dilemma
It is easier said than done. Our life coaching manual explains things very clearly. It says a coach should ask thought provoking questions, not give instructions. It says trust that people can find their own answers. The idea sounds simple. It sounds correct. It promises that people will grow better when they discover answers themselves.
I understand this in my mind. But my mind does not change so easily just because the manual says so. There is one question that keeps lingering in my mind. If coaching is about asking and not telling, can I really act as if I know nothing?
Can I really keep aside all my experience, knowledge, and judgment – the things that helped me learn and grow over many years? Am I supposed to ignore the very strengths I spent my whole life building?
The coaching idea is clear. A coach should help unlock answers, not give answers. The person must find insight from within, not receive it from outside. This is a principle drilled into every icf coaching certification program, yet knowing the rule and living it in the room with a real person are two very different things.
I understand this. But inside, it feels different. When someone talks to me, my mind does not stay empty. It starts thinking immediately. It sees patterns. It remembers similar situations. It predicts what may happen next. It notices risks early. This is not because I want to control. This is because I have learned from many experiences.
And then comes the hardest moment. When the person in front of me is emotionally upset, when their voice shakes, when they feel lost or hurt, how can I stay calm and detached? How can I listen without feeling affected? Is empathy supposed to be so controlled that I do not feel anything?
I wonder. If I really listen, I will feel something. And if I feel nothing, am I really listening? So the curiosity grows. When I can see the answer clearly, is it right to stay silent? Is that discipline, or is that avoiding responsibility?
Slowly, I am beginning to understand something important. Coaching is not asking me to forget my experience. It is asking me not to force my experience on someone else. My experience is still there. My feelings are still there. But they move to the background. They help me listen better. They help me ask better questions. But they do not take control of the other person’s thinking.
This is not easy. It needs patience. Giving advice is easier. Asking questions and waiting is harder. Anyone exploring how to become a life coach eventually runs into this same wall – the hardest part isn’t learning the questions to ask, it’s unlearning the urge to answer them yourself. Maybe this is the real purpose of coaching. It is not just about helping others grow. It is also about learning to control my own need to give answers. It is about learning to trust the other person’s ability.
I do not need to forget who I am. I just need to make sure that I do not stand in the way of who the other person can become. Every life coach certification teaches this principle in theory – but it only becomes real the first time you choose silence over a solution.
Coaching is not about removing expertise.
It is about learning when not to use it.
Author: Chandramohan Puppala
