It just happened that I began reading “Courage to be Disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga same week as I started undergoing training for ICF Coaching certification, a very fortunate coincidence as I was to discover
“Courage to be disliked” is rooted in Alfred Alder’s individual psychology or philosophy. The book unfolds as a dialogue between a wise philosopher & a skeptical youth who is deeply uncomfortable with his own self,troubled by his past.
The core ideas of book are
- Your life is not defined by your past. Rather than being constrained by your past experiences,being chained by determinism of cause & effect one can choose one’s future.
- Separate what you need to do from how others see it or what are the outcomes.Our task is to live in accordance with our own convictions; how others respond is their task, not ours.
- All problems are largely interpersonal problems.Much of human suffering stems from the dynamics between self and others.Engage from a place of genuine contribution rather than from a hunger for validation.
- Be courageous , not the all conquering courage but of the quiet stubborn courage that is rooted in authenticity even if it means being disliked.
As I started to reflect on these ideas while going through my own coaching joruney as a trainee, many parallels started emerging
1) Empowering clients to take ownership – Book emphasizes that we are not / need not be victims of our past. In coaching we focus on here and now. Our approach is to get client move forward. This increases sense of client’s agency & forward momentum.
2) Separating Coach’s and Client’s tasks – One of the very first leanings for me as a coach was that I should not burden myself , hold myself responsible for client’s outcomes. Coach’s task is to create space for reflection & growth. Working on action items is client’s task.This helps a coach not carry emotional burden of client.
3) Courage to act without approval – As I started doing peer coaching sessions many sessions revealed the struggle people face with fear of judgment, seeking other’s approval. Ideas from the book helped me support clients navigate these challenges by clarifying their values, taking actions not waiting/seeking other people’s approval essentially living their own authentic life.
4) Another often repeated theme that pops up in coaching conversations fixation with recognition. Redefining success as Contribution to others can be helpful to over come this constant need for recognition & the frustration that one feels when one does not get the desired recognition.
Books strength as well as weakness is the simplicity of ideas. While ideas are simple, they also make us living in this complex world wonder whether such complex issues can be addressed with such simple thinking. Still reading book, getting a foundational understanding of Alderian psychology has helped me get a framework for a more free, purpose driven, less stressful & more meaningful existence. I am hopeful this will also make me a better coach.
Author Name – Jayram Joshi
About the Author – Jayram is a software industry professional with over 25 years of multi faceted experience. Jayram works as an independent consultant offering his services as a Fractional CTO, Fractional COO, Agile Coach & Change Catalyst.
Program Attended with CTT: ICF Level 1 ACC
Reason for taking this program: Develop understanding of process of Coaching, get Coaching credentials
What worked for you: Weekly in depth training sessions, assignments & peer coaching
What benefits you got: Understood coaching basics, able to practice & become comfortable with idea of being a coach
