Have you ever felt that you bullied yourself?
If your answer is “never”, then this blog is not for you…Read on if you hesitated even a bit before responding.
While bullying has become a hot topic and the anti-bullying movement has come a long way, self-bullying is not something we discuss…it is not something I accept at a conscious level. It is not an easy answer.
I often wondered why it was so difficult to accept compliments on my appearance or accomplishments. Forget about taking credit for a job well done, I would squirm even when it came to me on a silver platter…“You paint so well” was always met with…” Not really, you should see what others do, you should see the junk I make”. Even my husband’s compliments on my intelligence or my appearance made me squirm and make faces.
I took pride in thinking that I am brutally honest and know my limitations and hence it would be unethical of me to accept a compliment or praise when I have not earned it. Worse, I believed that others did not know what they were saying. I even doubted their motives. The little spark of joy at a compliment was immediately crushed by a brutal self bully under the garb of being honest, or humble. A part of me loved showcasing my work but the bully in me flinched at outside recognition and immediately made me make light of the praise.
It was as if everyone else around me were fools for not recognising that I was an imposter, that I could take it day in and day out without being found out. And God forbid, if it was criticism that came my way, “the bully me” made it disproportionately hurtful.
In the process, I hurt myself and I hurt many people close to me who took my behaviour as an indication of indifference or worse arrogance.
A tiny voice inside me always told me that I was wounding my soul and upsetting others with this behaviour, but my bigger bullying voice managed to crush that voice and beat it into submission.
I may have continued this behaviour till, one day, I came across this term and something clicked. That same day I had a peer coaching session planned. Something made me share this with my coach. Patient, empathetic, and non-judgmental questioning helped me to admit that I was bullying myself forever.
Admitting this to myself was so liberating, the first step in starting the process towards Self-belief.
So far these are small steps. I am examining and writing down what makes me bully myself, what have I achieved, what has helped me become a successful, compassionate human being, what the bullying behaviours I observe… I have a long way to go, but I have started. That is akin to facing the bully on the road, a little fearfully, but confidently. More later…
